Why Is Being Alone So Frightening!

_MG_1955Just because you’re afraid of being alone isn’t a good reason to stay in a relationship. For you to stay in that situation is a betrayal and dishonor to yourself. When you stay stuck in that illusion of  happiness, just to be with someone you lower your self-worth. At that point you’re being unsupported, unappreciated and/or unacknowledged in your relatioship. When you have to give yourself a reason to stay and think happiness, joy and love is just around the corner, you’re minimizing you! We also often get into relationships with the wrong people just because we are afraid and don’t want to be alone.

I know it’s hard to realize that the way we treat ourselves sets the example to others how to treat us, but it’s true. Many of us allow people to treat us the way they have because we have no idea we can be treated better. Being treated badly becomes acceptable because we think it’s better than being alone. I’ve been guilty of it myself and just wanted to hold on to her, just so I could say, “I have a woman!” During my weakened state of being due to unfortunate events in my life. She treated me bad because I allowed her to treat me bad and I was treating myself bad by not loving, honoring and respecting myself enough to know better. That was the ultimate act of me betraying me! The ultimate insult to self-love! By the time I acknowledged to myself what was happening and tried to change it, it was too late. I’d let it go on for so long it became common place to her and I couldn’t change it, she was too comfortable with it. After acknowledging it to myself and trying to make a change, I could no longer claim being a victim. If I stayed, I would be creating and facilitating the abuse, dishonor and disrespect I was receiving. So I left and never looked back! It was hard but every time I felt uneasy about it, I reminded myself how bad I was treated and I had taken enough, time to let go and grow.

There’s nothing wrong with staying in a relationship to work things out but when nothings working it’s time to go. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, it’s better than being treated bad. It allows you time to become more aware of you, heal, heighten your level of consciousness, self-love and self-worth. Being alone treating your self better will be an example to the next person entering your life how to treat you.

You may think being alone is worse than being in a relationship that isn’t working. Take some time for you to have an open honest conversation with you. Tell yourself the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth! He or she who lies to themselves is a fool! Ask yourself, “Why am I afraid to be alone with me? Why do I continue to allow them to treat me bad? Is this the best I can do? Why do I stay in this relationship? Am I truly loving, honoring and respecting myself? Is this where I want to be? Are they ever going to change? Are they actively working towards change? Write the answers down and read them to yourself out loud! Hear yourself speaking the truth that is coming from within you. Then make a decision as to the direction you want to go and stick to it!

Spend some time with you and you’ll realize you can consult, console and respond appropriately to anything! There’s nothing wrong with being alone sometime. If you can’t stand to be alone with you, how can you expect anyone else to want too!

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Published in: on November 9, 2009 at 8:05 am  Comments (18)  

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  1. Wonderful posting today, Milo! I’ve been in that spot a couple of times in the past, staying waaay too long. Some of the reason was not wanting to be alone, some was thinking I could make things better if I just worked at it enough. Nevermind that he wasn’t intertesed in trying to improve the relationship, and never even noticed the work I was putting in. Here’s my guide now, so that I know I won’t fall into this dark place again: If I’m embarrassed about/ashamed of/can’t share the majority of the aspects of my relationship with my gurlz, then I am NOT in the right place and I gotta get out, get ahold of the real me, and figure out why I would ever let someone be less into me than I am into him…

  2. Milo, this is absolutely on-point. I’m single and have been for a while — not from lack of suitors (as my Daddy called them), but because they weren’t the right suitors for ME. Many of my single female friends look at me askance because I am, for the most part, comfortable with being alone (we all have those moments, that’s what being human is about); but, having been on the opposite side of things, in bad relationships with men who just were unable to be present for me as a partner, I find this to be much easier on my soul.

    As my sister once said to me, folks have to be worthy and respectful of the love that you give them; I can’t settle for anything less.

    Thanks, Milo!

    • Don’t settle and the proper suitor is coming your way but there has to be room to enter and if you’re with the wrong one the right one can’t get in. Have faith you’ll be loved in abundance.

  3. Thanks for the wonderful posting Milo. I appreciate the validation. I did what others have called me crazy for and that is walk away from a lifestyle that could have kept me locked in to the abuse of the man I married. I encourage anyone to value themselves over possessions. Don’t let possessions have you, you should have them. When it’s time to let go of a relationship, don’t let the things that you have together stop you from loving yourself, respecting yourself and value you over those things.
    Again great posting Milo.

    • Thank you Rene for your time and comment. Also for having the courage to walk away from what you know wasn’t right for you.

  4. Hello that is a timely message. My story is a slight diffrent. I had a break down just two days ago due to this loning i have for companionship. I am 33 years old and i have never been blessed with the oppertunity to be in a relationship with a man. Not even a boy friend in my younger years. I look pack at the years and I am some what thankful cause the absence of has saved me from experiancing the bad break ups and abuse ive witnessed others go through in there relationships. Not to say mine would of ended up that way but whos to say it wouldnt. During this time i watch others relationships come and go an I learned from watching them some do’s and donts if i was ever to be blessed with one. Like I said earlier, that day has not persented its self in 33 years. Dont get me wrong its nothing to do with my attractiveness in personality or looks. I attract all sorts of men young, old, married, single, scorned, players, lovers, doctors, police, ex-cons, lawyers, thuggs, bums (lol). It dont matter their title they are human males first. Ive lived by the rule not to settle just to say I have and or had. Like ive seen so many people do men and women. So I say this to say Ive spent alot of time by myself but not alone i have a 15 year old son who is now currently staying with his father whom i must say was just a highschool friend whom i experianced and experimented in sex with. Any how now i am truely alone now that my son is gone. I recently moved away from all family and friends and outside distractions. When i say ive been truely pushed on my back side and having to really look myself in the mirror. I cant run from me i see me i love me i enjoy me but me wants a companion to share me and life and love with. God didnt intent for us to co-inside in this world alone. He put the desire for comanionship when he created eve for adam. I want to share myself with a man that will love like i love, cherish like i charish, trust like i want to trust. There is so much love built up inside of me i dont know any other way to be. I prayed that there is someone for me that wants to receive love as i do. I prayed for us to begin or journey twords one another. I belive in relationships, marrage and friends I just want it to be in one package designed just for me now. Yes i love me i will protect me i can be alone with me and enjoy me i can stand in the mirror striped down to the bare and like what i see. Now i want to allow some one to see and experiance me the same. I want to love with see with, experiance with, taste with, smell with, hear with, the comforts of a man. My man the man, the man for me.

  5. Cause you have to tell the truth to the person in the mirror. Most people never really had to face themselves and answer all their lies and discets. Some people live their lives off the validations of others. Have you ever truely looked at yourself and said I am happy, I love me and I like me, I except me, i enjoy me. Most should say no. Why because there are so many outside distactions.Be it tv, radio, associates, friends, magazines. We have become bits and peices of some thing or some one else other than our true selves. If we were to be locked up in a room with no windows and no mirror to fasion ourselves after, just a light a bed, a bathroom a bible and unlabled healthy foods in a kitchenette. For 3 months would you survive as s lover of self. Or would you go crazy from the seperation of whats outside.It is not Gods intent for us to be alone. So with that being said the same love we want to share with some one we must be able to give back to ourselves. We shouldnt compomise that at all. If we all lived by that rule we,d all be doing our part in making this world a better place for not just ourselves but everone here and those to come…….

    • Your right you have to face that person in the mirror and tell the truth. I hope people take the time to seek self-awareness, it’ll enhance their lives.

  6. Good Morning Milo!
    As always, the camera loves you…Smile!

    Wow, is this a topic or what. I too, have been there and was betrayed…not a good feeling.

    But, it is the divine knocking on our door and with the other partner, the divine will knock on their door sooner or later too. When the divine comes knocking, it is either time to stay if there is enough love to work it out or walk. If it is telling you to walk, then it wants us to look at ourselves…like you said Milo, to ask questions, to heal, to love ourselves more.

    In loving ourselves more, we will bring the rightful opportunities in our life. Sometimes, the divine wants us to do something that is in our path and not having the interruptions allows us to get there. And, eventhough you are alone, you have a loving mission that will lead to every opportunity and open doors beyond anything imaginable.

    In time of being alone, fill it with things that are nurturing because you will not be alone for too long. Love conquers all and opens doors to a life well deserved. Love yourself…

    Have a beautiful week Milo! Love you for all you do.
    Gina Marlena

  7. Milo…To be both loved and connected to someone special are two of our deepest and most natural desires. For all those who are afraid of being alone, they are not yet ready to be in an intimate relationship with a “SOULMATE.” For those who aren’t being alone is a required part of our self-nurturing process that enables us to be in healthy relationships…whether it is with a “SOULMATE” and “LIFE PARTNER” or others with whom we develop interpersonal relationships with. Thanks for the wisdom and for being the open and loving man you are. Lots of “SISTAH POWER” Love, Deborah

  8. Milo, all I can say is I was there! I am now trying to get to know me after 23yrs of marriage to a man who did not know how to love me. I now know that I deserve a man who really knows how to love and respect me!

    • You’re doing great and have so much more life to live and enjoy. Thanks for sharing your feelings!

  9. I believe for some of us we were told “having ½ a man is better than not one at all”, so we held on to that. I am single. I have been enjoying knowing who I am. I love you sharing your feelings!

  10. Milo, Thank you for bringing this up!! I’m going through this right now!! I was beginning to Dislike me and knew I had to get out!! It’s Hard being alone, but sometime you have too know when GOD wants you to be still and look at you!! I’m a single parent and my daughter just moved out so I’m going through that empty nest syndrome plus the breakup of a three year relationship!! I miss having someone to share my daily experiences with and just having someone to lean on!! My faith in GOD will get me Thru!! Love that beautiful picture of you!!

  11. Thanks again Milo for those special words you layed on
    us today. Yes I was there! I am on my way, after being in a marriage for 15 years or more, I am now living the life. Thanks to God. Much love Milo.

  12. Wonderful words of wisdom!

    I don’t suffer from this one because I’m a runner. This means if it doesn’t feel good I’m ghost!

  13. Excellent feedback on this blog Milo. I wanted to share how I too was in a very bad relationship that I stayed in far too long. The relationship created my son, and partly do to him I stayed while the other parts were fear, and I did not want to admit failure. I had TRULY attempted everything I could to keep our family as one, when I eventually came to the conclusion I was robbing myself of the life I deserved. The relationship was taxing on me both mentally and physically so much that I did not recognize the person in the mirror. So I let go and moved on. It was hard because I see him in my son’s face daily. But I also have comes to grips with the fact that even though we had a beautiful son, he is still ULTIMATELY not the one for me to continue my life’s journey. I made too many excuses to stay in the relationship at that time, but now can not think of one to return. I am moving and have moved forward. It is hard being a single parent, but I would rather be single and happy with my choices then to allow my son to see me miserable anymore. The alone time allowed me to rediscover myself, grow, and mature even more, so when I do enter into another relationship I will be prepared to give and receive the LOVE I deserve.

    PEACE & BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL…CYD

  14. I enjoy my space, my time alone with me, it gives me time to reflect, to ponder on the past, present and future, to enjoy the memories of long ago. To be thankful and grateful just to be alive. I simply love my alone time to be good to me, to pamper myself, to pray, to sit back and enjoy my time with me. I’m not afraid to be alone and I thought I would be after my husband passed away, you know lonely nights, in the dark of night listening to the sounds and the creaks but you know what that all plays a part when I sit down to write and I welcome all the sounds.


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