“Insecurities and The Relationship,” Part V of the VII Part Series

InsecurityLord knows I have my own insecurities, one of which is I refuse to pull my shirt off at the beach due to this portion of fat that has setup residency on my sides and lower abdomen. I call it, Hagen Daaz Chocolate Chocolate Chip, Hagen Daaz Strawberry and Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra Ice Cream. I swear everyone’s looking at my fat and even Stevie Wonder can see it! It’s screaming here I am look at me all around his sides! The real challenge to my security is leaving this in the article for the world to read.

With every relationship old or new, insecurities may rear their ugly heads. Even though it sounds fairly easy to say, I’m dropping the old baggage and moving forward with my life, it’s not easily done. With every relationship a person learns something new about themselves and the other person. Instead of trying to forget the past or dragging the baggage into the future. You should learn from it, acknowledge, admit, accept and then it let go!

Insecurity is a slow moving fire that will eventually destroy the bare essence of a relationship. It lays down a fragile foundation of loss and if not dealt with in a timely manner, it can kill your relationship. Changing your attitude and outlook on life can help you overcome insecurity. You must try to be more confident and access the beauty in you that brings you joy. Instead of being pessimistic drawing on the negative, become optimistic and develop a positive approach towards life, success and joy. Stop looking at yourself as lacking confidence (“I’m not smart enough to engage in that conversation”) and having low self-esteem (“I don’t deserve this woman/man, their out of my league”).

If a person lacks certainty and security, insecurity is soon to follow. In relationships insecurities create an unstable environment. An insecure person who’s constantly blaming the other person and is behaving in an unbecoming manner to gain stability themselves, is scared. Surely this sounds a little odd, acting unstable to gain a stable position but stability is essential and a needed survival skill, you’ll fight for it in strange ways. We’ve all conducted ourselves in that manner before because we all have insecurities. We live in an uncertain, unpredictable world that routinely throws us for a loop! Let’s learn how to manage the insecurities so they don’t’ ruin the good things we have.

In order to be in a healthy relationship we must have Friendship, Passion and Commitment! To be in a healthy relationship we also have to let down our defenses and trust everything will be fine. Your significant other is with you because you’re an amazing person and sometimes you have to remind yourself of that and your significant other does too. Stop sabotaging your relationships with junk that you drum up and give life too, when it doesn’t exist! Drudging up the past will affect your future, so love yourself in the present and share the new, with the person that loves you. This makes life beautiful.

I have know idea what everyone’s insecurities are but I’ve listened too and learned from a large number of people. I’ve also learned from my own insecurities and those whom I’ve been in relationships with. I’m know authority of nothing and this is my opinion only. I always hear and read about people pointing out insecurities, so I want to write about prevention and solutions, rather than the actual insecure act itself. Here’s a list of some behavioral changes I feel will help our relationships be more secure.

1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate and share sensitive issues. It’s O.K. to talk about your ex relationship in an appropriate manner, especially when it comes to information. Then your significant other will know some of what to do and not do, being aware of some of your sensitive issues. Remember your ex is just that for more than one reason and you can’t look at your significant other and drag negatives into the relationship because of something the ex did. So be upfront and clear the air so you both can grow together and respect one another’s sensitive issues.

2. Look at your own life and what’s going on around you. Look at it from your significant others point of view. If you were your significant other would you like to see the things you’re doing and if the answer is no, stop doing them. For instance if you’re in a relationship and your Facebook page say’s “Single.” Not cool! Some chose not to mention their status and that’s their choice but to misrepresent can cause a problem and create instability.

3. Anyone in your life has to be respectful of your current significant other. Ask to be introduced to all male and female friends, by their interaction you’ll be able to tell if they had a past or not and if some funny business is going on. If you’re talking to a friend, there should be no need to run into another room to have the conversation. Everything should be upfront and nothing to hide. If you have private conversations it sets off an alarm and raises concern from your significant other. Trust me you don’t want the mind to wonder because it can take on a journey. A lie can travel half way around the world before the truth makes it a mile.

4. Remove lies from your life! I’ll say it again, “REMOVE LIES FROM YOUR LIFE!” Big ones, small ones, lies by omission, all of it, tell the truth and tell it fast. The truth is absolute and the same today as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. Grown folks and loving, honorable, respectful people don’t have to lie. You may feel the truth would be too much to handle but constantly lying is what can’t be handled and it brings everything you say into question. Sometimes it’s better to not say anything but if constantly pushed to say something, don’t lie. Tell the truth and make it clear, the other person may not like it but at least they wont have to investigate and trust me there will be an investigation if you appear to be lying. Insecurities can arise from having to investigate!

5. Respect the activities of your significant other. If he was watching football on Sundays with the fellas when you met him and she was shoe shopping and having tea with the girls on Saturday. It would be wrong of either one of you to try and change that. Don’t invite yourself to his/her outing, if they want you around they’ll invite you. Before you came along this was his/her bonding time and it should be respected and seen as just that. Don’t let your mind wonder and turn it into something it’s not.

6. Apologize when you’re wrong! Don’t think you’re entitled to speak to your significant other anyway you want too. Be respectful of them and honor their emotions. They may ask for an apology and you may feel you don’t have too. Trust me it’ll setup a question of friendship, respect and compassion for them and they may not ask for an apology again but they’ll never forget it. Some people have a real problem with saying, “I’m sorry!” Your stubbornness and rationalizing your right to treat another wrong and think it’s OK, will coast you dearly in the long run. You’d better learn to admit and apologize. Rationalizing your crap can create insecurities. This one is a very serious offense!

7. Do not attack or put down ones family members. They may not get along with their family well but blood is thicker than water and you surely don ‘t know the whole story that has taking several years to unfold. He/she may be head over hills in love with you but you dump on family, “Houston we have a problem!” Instead of strong-arming your way into family importance, consider the importance of your own family and how you feel about them. Never push his/her family importance to the side and if you can’t get along with them avoid unpleasant moments in their company and keep it moving. Bring a friend along with you who’s uplifting and supportive and that will give you someone to talk too. Ride in separate cars so you can leave if need be. He or she will understand, they know some of their family members are a pain in the butt. You bringing a friend or leaving will be more acceptable than you snapping. Trust me! Family is Family!

8. Do not under any circumstances, THREATEN one another or leave room for thoughts of a possible threat! Walk away, get off the phone or ask them to leave your place! Just separate before it turns into something ugly and unbecoming of positive growth. Real drama can be avoided if you separate and take a minute to think about what you’re saying and doing. Admit the truth to yourself about the role you’re playing in this situation and approach one another with the truth. Insecurities can occur when a person says something harsh and even though they apologize the other doesn’t let it go, dragging it around and even throws it up from time to time. Words can leave an open wound for life, so be impeccable with your word!

9. Don’t question their knowledge or use of it, it’s not yours it’s their’s and it’s insulting for you to state or imply they don’t use it properly or well. It’s like telling someone their fat everyday and wanting them to feel thin. Surely you wouldn’t want anyone to say that to you and if they’re weak you’ll only cause them to not speak their mind. They may speak less to you about things that really matter to them, creating division. We are all entitled to our own thoughts and to have them respected. You questioning or poking holes will only separate you and insecurities will creep in. They will leave and find someone who respects their thoughts and find them fine just the way they are. Respect another view, learn and grow together, you don’t know it all. Focus on the great qualities of your significant other, surely they have great knowledge for you to tap into.

10. Communicate your fears and insecurities to your significant other, instead of keeping it to yourself. They may be able to help you overcome that feeling and open up about theirs and you both grow together creating a trusting, compassionate bond. You should celebrate commitment, passion and friendship, it’s great and the comfort and rewards are plentiful. Remove your ego, the past negatives and be grateful for the now and positive possibilities in the future with the great person in front of you. Be open and honest with each other and insecurities will not destroy what you’ve built. Sometimes will all need a little reassurance as a cure all for the wondering mind.

Permission to reprint is contingent on credit to Milo Edwards

Published in: on August 27, 2009 at 6:27 am  Comments (14)  

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14 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Thanks for the sound words of wisdom..

  2. da da da da da I AM LOVING IT!!! I am dating a guy now and of course in my mind I am saying why he want me because he is so damn sexy?? I have to remind myself that I am BEAUTIFUL and am worth having. The very things we fret are the very things they like. I am being careful not to sabotage as I have done sooooo many times in the past eight months due to my own insecurities.

    Lisa have fun and enjoy the ride, LOL!!!!


  3. This was a good read and a reminder of how not to sabotage my future relationships.

    Good Stuff Milo!

  4. Milo you always leave me saying WOW !!!!!!!! DAMN

  5. Keep doing what you do is all I have to say………….CYD

  6. Milo,

    This was beautifully written! I am going to take these words of wisdom and apply them in my relationship. It is nothing but positivity and I love it!

    Thank you for publishing. When does the book come out?

  7. Milo,

    You have a true understanding of both men & women,and that gives me hope. We can have meaningful
    conversations, and relationships with one another.

    Thank you,

    Denise vallier

  8. Namaste Milo, I enjoy reading this over and over again. I can’t wait until your book is published, because I’m going to have a copy sitting on my coffee table, so when I do start dating again, he can read this and give me some feed back. I will add your book to my valentine gift baskets and call it ‘Yummy Treats’…Thanks again my friend..

  9. It was good read,

    I right with you, when you have a relationship and when finished with this person, we make sometimes any mistakes about this person, we say ‘he was bad for me’ !!! is not true, we have to learn about experience, about this person, understand why !

    You don’t have to focus about this person but about yourself, to make better the next relationship, because we learn everytimes !!!! step by step to get the better life !


  10. Milo, you touched on some good points. Some of which I will apply in my own relationship. Thanks and good looking out.

  11. Milo, Wow, here that big smile on my face again! you brighten up my day, with the amazing words of wisdom you leave each and every day. I just want to say I honor your knowledge and kind words. When is your book coming out. Please leave me the date in my inbox.

    Now on insecurities, you must have self respect, never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option, Also you must heal the past live the present and dream the future,because life has no rewind. Stay bless Milo
    your a great writer and I can’t wait for the book.

  12. What a wonderful checklist of action steps! If we can read and on the spot do a bit of a self-eval, we can truly improve our relationships.
    Written with the wisdom of experience and lessons learned.
    What a blessing!

  13. Thank You. Thank You and Thank you!!!!! I’m glad that you are a friend and i enjoy your writing. this has help me just in time. insecurities is something that i suggule with but the ten step is a great help thank i’m putting the in place as we speak.

  14. I am really happy to read this webpage posts which contains plenty of helpful data, thanks for providing these data.

    See this: Dusty, http://glitter-graphics.com/users/parabole

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